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04 February 2010 @ 12:22 am
wow, this really has been the worst week of my life. It's been the biggest emotional rollercoaster I've ever been on.

After I posted that last entry we took my cat to the vet, and they had to take blood and give him a bunch of fluids because he was really dehydrated. The vet said they were mainly testing for diabetes, hyperthyroidism, and kidney failure. This was yesterday, and by last night he seemed a lot better - he was actually up moving around and he was meowing, and I was just really happy because he seemed like he might be ok.

But this morning he was even worse. He couldn't walk barely at all, he STILL wasn't eating and now he wasn't drinking either. I kept him wrapped up in blankets with a heating pad around him but his body temperature was still SO low. I knew for sure when the vet called with the results it would be bad news.

and it was. They said he had severe kidney failure and anemia on top of that. It would have cost +500 to try and treat him, but there was no guarantee. I knew that he lived a long good life, and I just didn't want to have to see him go through this anymore, no matter how much it hurt me. So my mom called and made an appointment to have him put to sleep. I didn't go. I couldn't. My parents took him and said by the time they got there he was barely breathing.

But I know that I'll be ok, this is just going to be so hard to get through. There are so many places in my house that remind me of him. It's killing me to even be in my room right now - he would always sit right next to my laptop with me. I can't believe I used to get mad at him for the stupidest things, I would give anything to have his annoying habits back. I think this is even harder because it all happened so fast - he was fine last week.

We're having him cremated, which I think is going to be comforting because I'll always have him with me. But sad at the same time because he's still not really there. I've always wanted another cat, but I think I'd feel really guilty. I know I can't replace him, I don't want to - but I don't know if I can love any animal as much as I did him. It's just that one of the best things about him was I always had someone there for me, and now I just feel so alone.

I'm sorry, I know these posts are awkward because no one knows what to say, but that's ok and I really understand. I just really need to get this all off of my chest. I'm just so thankful for all of you and your support, It means so much to me that I have you all to talk to. And michelle, I'm sorry for writing all those long emails, but thank you so much for being there ♥ and bonnie, monica, elly, brandy I love you all.

I'm trying to find ways to distract myself. School starts Monday, seriously? I'm hoping having that to focus on will help a little. farmville is helping too....lol

Current Mood: numbnumb
broken__angel_broken__angel_ on February 4th, 2010 10:20 am (UTC)
oh lena:( i am sooo soooo sorrry:( it DOES get easier though i know from experiance yet there is apart of them that is ALWAYS ALWAYS there with us no matter where we go and what we do:( and i KNOW everyone is different but getting a new cat does help the recoverty it did with me anyways like ernie died and we planned a few months later to go to the shelter and get another but only 11 days later jimmy turns up on our door. so funny they always say you dont choose ur cat they choose you and that happened with all 3 of my cats! so u never know a cat may just come to u one day=)
He be hunting fish now with my Ernie and chasing mice around lol.

but i totally agree with the sudden thing been the worst:( my first cat was sick for a LONG time and we knew it would come but ernie got sick in the space of a minute and within two hours he was put down:(
so fresh mo freshnotlupus on February 4th, 2010 07:15 pm (UTC)
omg that's so weird that you say that because my cat chose me too. pretty much my first memory is seeing a guy giving away free cats outside of petsmart and i came home and begged my dad for one. he finally agreed and we went back but they were all gone. then as we were going through the parking lot a lady walked up to us and asked if we were looking for a kitten, because she was bringing him back because her daughter didn't even pay attention to him. his little face popped up from the back window of the car and we took him home. :') i honestly believe it was fate.

i'm sorry :( it's really scary and not fun at all
보니ialwayswill on February 4th, 2010 03:46 pm (UTC)
i wish i could hug you right now

and i hate saying that i can relate, but i can, i've lost so many pets growing up and it's just horrible because i get so attached to all of my pets and losing one = losing family. my dog Max was the worst because he was my baby, we grew up together. he had to be put down in 2005 and then the 2 years that followed were the worst years of my life, but i managed to get through it, somehow. shit like this is never easy.

i hope you feel better bb. this is obviously something you can never really get over but it does and will get easier as time goes on.

so fresh mo freshnotlupus on February 4th, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC)
omg bb I'M SO SORRY :(
i hate people who don't have pets and don't understand that they are family. my whole family is suffering right now, because he was one of US.
it also makes it so much harder because we grew up with them.
my mom tried to comfort me and tell me it's just like when a person dies, we move on. and i'm just like how do i do that because he's been like a sibling to me, i don't remember not having him in my life.

thank you bb, i love you so much more ♥

보니ialwayswill on February 5th, 2010 09:22 am (UTC)
yeah people wont dont have pets have no right to say anything, cause they dont understand and they say shit like 'well it was just a cat, it's not a person, get over it' ugh. i dont even pay attention to those kind of people. i honestly value my pets' lives more than human life. pets never let you down, you know? they are loyal and love you no matter what. i cant say the same for people. I DONT LIKE PEOPLE SRY2SAY. BUT I LOVE YOU.<3

.woodchips.: stock | lay with mecurrant on February 4th, 2010 04:04 pm (UTC)
i'm so sorry celena. the only thing i can think to say is he's not hurting anymore. it just takes time bb. i'm so sorry. and omg don't apologize at all for writing emails - THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR. best fucking friends forever :)

i'm so sorry bb. i love you and here if you need me. :3 feel better and get some rest.
so fresh mo freshnotlupus on February 4th, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)
i love you michelle ♥
.woodchips.currant on February 5th, 2010 04:59 am (UTC)
i love you too my celena ♥
ellylondoncalls on February 4th, 2010 04:56 pm (UTC)
i'm so sorry celena. if i could, i would wrap you in a gigantic hug right now. i'm sorry you have to go through this and the pain this causes, but a small bright light should be knowing that he's okay now, and he's not suffering anymore. i know it's hard to think of it that way (when sally died, i couldn't see it either) but it's a small hope to hold onto. i know what you're going through - sally was fine one week and dying the next. it's so hard, and you're right, there isn't really anything to say to make it better. it's going to hurt for a bit and i still feel guilty when i think about getting another dog because i feel like i'm trying to replace sally, or i won't be able to love my new dog as much as i loved sally. maybe in the future we'll be ready together ♥

i'm just sorry. i wish you didn't have to deal with this. it gets easier though, i can tell you that. things will be okay.. it just takes some time. and i'll be here for you during that time, so if you need to write a rambling e-mail or send me a text message or anything, don't ever hesitate, okay? love you.
so fresh mo freshnotlupus on February 4th, 2010 06:57 pm (UTC)
one minute i'm still in denial. when i sit down in our favorite chair i keep waiting for him to come around the corner and jump on my lap. like right now i feel like he might just be in the other room. i couldn't even shower this morning without crying because the bathroom was his favorite place. :(
then for a few minutes i'll kind of forget, then remember again and it hits me all over again. then i start thinking about WHERE he is at this exact moment in a freezer all by himself? :( i think i'll feel a lot better once i have his ashes. and now i'm second guessing myself on how i should have dealt with his body. i keep asking myself if i should have had him buried but i just did not want to see his dead body :(

i'm so sorry you had to go through this to bb it is seriously the worst pain i have ever felt, i was so afraid of death before now i'm TERRIFIED of it. what will i do if one of my parents suddenly die or my brother? i really hate it and that i feel this way, i don't want to dwell on it or anything and just want to be happy again. i know that time will come but right now it seems 10 years or more away.

but honestly YOU give me hope. i saw how devastated you were when you lost sally but i also watched you gradually get better, even though you still miss and love her you got better, and so i really have faith the same thing will happen for me.

it doesn't really hurt to look at pictures of him at all, it just makes me happy that i got to spend all the time that i did with him. i actually found one of his whiskers on my carpet last night, i couldn't stop holding it and now i have it in my wallet so i can take a piece of him everywhere with me. now he'll always be in my heart in the literal sense, and with me in the physical sense too :)

today i heard my parents talking on the phone about getting a kitten. 3 weeks ago i would have been THRILLED, because i LOVE cats and i've always wanted more even if i loved mine to death. but then i just picture a cat walking into my room that ISN'T sminks and it doesn't feel right. maybe it would be different since it would be a kitten and i could watch it grow. i really hope time will help with that, because i'm a total loner and i need some company :(

oh god i'm so sorry this turned into a like harry potter length book. i've been meaning to ask you though, do you have a facebook?
ellylondoncalls on February 4th, 2010 10:15 pm (UTC)
don't worry about harry potter length comments, mine are just as long, plus i love getting comments from you so idc how long they are ♥

anyways, i hate playing that whole "oh yeah i know what you're going through" because i feel like it takes away from what you're feeling, but idk what else to say... i just want you to know i can relate to what you're feeling... and like, i just wish i could take all those bad feelings away from you and make you feel better. i would never wish that kind of devastation even upon my worst enemy.

we cremated sally, too. i tried not to think about where she was in the meantime, i just tried to think that even if her body was in a cold freezer, she's not part of that anymore. and neither is sminks.. he's with you, not his body anymore. and i like to think of something that is probably SO corny, but it makes me feel so good - when i was like 16, i was watching an episode of john edwards (the psychic guy.. do you remember him? lol) and he was telling this lady that there was the spirit of a dog around her, and he described it and it turned out to be her old dog. and it makes me feel so much better to think of that, knowing that they stay with you afterwards.

i know so much about the denial. when sally died, i didn't even move her food bowls or her leash for a good few weeks. they sat there and i would forget for a few minutes and i would go to clap my hands and call her and remember, and the aftershocks of realizing it were almost worst than the original feeling of loss. i still find her hairs everywhere.

the only sound advice i can really give you is to just let it out - don't try to keep your sadness inside, because it just hurts worse that way. talk to people and confide in them - me, michelle, moneca or bonnie or all those other amazing friends you have. the more you come to grips with it, the less it hurts and the easier your coping will be.

okay, well now that my reply is the length of about four harry potter novels, i'll stop here, lmao. and yes, i do have a facebook! http://www.facebook.com/danilukas?ref=profile so add me right now! :**
Juleslittlemonalisa on February 4th, 2010 08:57 pm (UTC)
Aww Celena! ♥

I know it hurts and the only thing that makes it better is time. My cat died last spring. He was 15. And when you have a cat for so long it's more than just a cat. It's a friend. Someone you share so many memories with. Good & bad, because sometimes those little things annoy the crap out of you. lol So, out of personal experience - it takes time. A lot of time. And there are always good days but bad days too.

But you'll always have him in your heart. And be always grateful that you've had each other in your life.
Jenniferrobssexhair on February 5th, 2010 03:42 am (UTC)

We lost two pets in the past year (my cat was hit by a car last Feb and my mom's dog died a few months ago) so I know what you're going through bb. I'm here for you.

He was a beautiful kitty and take solace in the fact that he's not in pain anymore.